I had one of my business contacts tell me that I was “one of the brave ones.” Yes, leaving your husband takes courage. There is so much involved, so much emotion…and fear. Fear as to whether you can exist financially, if you’ll ever ‘find’ somebody else. And I want to make a comment about the latter. Okay, girls, what if you don’t ‘find’ somebody else? I mean—were you happy where you were? Were you loved, adored, respected, appreciated? This man, was he really your man? Did he make you hungry for life, for sex, for yourself? If you’re not happy, what is the purpose of just being with someone, just to be with someone? Because the truth is that you probably feel more alone being next to someone who is not fulfilling your needs than you would being by yourself, doing something that gives you pleasure. And to boot, that someone who you thought you needed—this body—isn’t around to make you feel guilty about the pleasure.
I’m not saying every situation is like that, but I think the majority of us have this deep yearning to feel alive with our partner. Come on, we all want that fabulous relationship, great sex, and that person who understands us, supports us…that person who makes us a better person. I know that is a trite expression, but it is so true. If the person you’re with doesn’t make you a better person, if they are not supporting you and encouraging you to do the things that make you happy…if they have to ask you three days before your birthday, what you want…dear god, what are you doing there? This person doesn’t know you. This person doesn’t care. Better to be alone…and alone can be frightening, but also very, very nice. What I guarantee you though, is that being alone is going to open up your world. You’re going to discover yourself, and if you are like me, you’re wondering who you are anyway.
Isn’t that crazy?! Shouldn’t we just know who we are? But the problem with being with the wrong person is that they pressure you into being who you are not. And that is not an excuse, because I could have fought being what he wanted me to be, but I’m easy-going, a damned ‘peace maker.’ I said damned because there are times when peace is not the thing to be made. War should have been made so the ‘peace-maker’ could have had peace. That was my choice. That’s where I failed myself; and I can’t blame that on him. I should have stood up. I should have demanded certain things.
But you know, that’s funny as well, you know, the big things (the really, big things) get noticed and worked out, but it’s all those little things that build up and eventually destroy a marriage. And again, I’m saying this because in many cases those little things can be worked out, and in my case there were so many little things, but if I look at my marriage honestly, we were just too different. And I am going to expel some advice here. Marry someone who is on the same page as you on the big issues. If you’re a neat freak, a slob will eventually drive you crazy. If you are an athlete, don’t marry a couch potato. If you’re an extrovert, you will grow to despise the introvert who doesn’t want to explore and experience life with you.