That’s exactly how I feel sometimes.
I vacillate from feelings of euphoria to depression, to this peculiar state of numbness. Numbness…I think it’s the worst of the three. When I’m numb, it’s as if I’m not alive. And I can’t put my finger on why, that is the frustration. I just suddenly feel…nothing. No zest, no anger, no desire. I exist, that’s about all that I do. I go about my day, just moving through space, clocking away another twenty-four hours and I notice absolutely nothing…not the crystal blue sky, or a shift of geese flying, not the endless fields of sunflowers. Nothing!
The best resolution for me when I’m numb, is to climb into bed and meditate. That seems to be my answer to the sadness as well. When I am exceedingly happy I find it difficult to meditate. Believe me, I have tried. I have sat there and extended my gratitude, then tried to think of nothing and sink into the chasm of divine truth. But the happiness thwarts my ambition. I suppose the ego is so very proud of being happy that it cannot rest. I try to push it aside. I say, “ego, I love you. But it’s time for the heart. Step aside.” It is very frustrating, but I am also very determined, so I continue the diligence.
This week I received my third round of acupuncture treatments…and I don’t know what happened, but I have been thoroughly exhausted, and numb. I see my children and there is no sparkle. I work and there is no zest. Even as I write this, I am dreaming about climbing into that bed, putting the pillow at my back and reaching out to god.
I have noticed that people who are at peace do not go through the wild range of emotions, the roller-coaster, per se. They are steady at all times. They soak in the joy, but are not exceedingly exuberant; they allow the pain with the understanding that it will pass. I am one who literally dances in her joy and grovels in her misery. Sometimes I feel that I am on that pendulum, swinging from one emotion to the next. “I’m happy now, could someone please pass me the misery rope. Oh, you’re using it? Well, just let me know when you’re finished…I’ll just hang here and wait.” Honestly, there are times when I cringe at the joy because I know the fall is coming. Too good a weekend will be followed by a week of loneliness. It’s like Christmas…followed by the day after Christmas, over, and over, and over again.
Some people would recommend that I celebrate the joys so that during the despair I can recall the happiness. But I’m not sure. At times, I would trade excessive joy and excessive pain for the balancing act in between. Or is that mediocrity? I have no intention of living a life of mediocrity.
I think the reason for the numbness, now that I really think on it, was seeing my husband yesterday at my daughter’s soccer game. It is painful for me to see him so sad. I never intended to hurt him, but I know that I cannot go back. No matter if I am alone, I can’t go back. These eleven months have been filled with so much growth, so much freedom and enlightenment. Despite the pains, despite the pendulum, despite the numbness, I know I am much better where I am now then where I was a year ago. I keep telling myself it’s a journey. I remind myself that I must learn to deal with seeing him, although, even the most innocent of meetings (on the soccer field) push the stress button. That’s probably why I am so exhausted tonight, so devoid of emotion, zest, love. I even feel flabby and sticky! Oh, blah…blah…blah. I’m going inside, take a shower, and talk to god.